Insomniac

There are eight more work days until my summer holidays which will last eight work days. That's a depressing thought.

I woke up at 3:44am, my mind whirling with work. I always thought that being the boss would be so great. You could create the work environment you want, change things for the better, and tackle priorities the way you see fit. And there are many days when it actually works that way.

There are other days when you are broached with HR problems that seem insurmountable. Or when your deadlines and workload is so huge (workloads that only seem to grow during the summer "off season") and someone comes in to complain about how a colleague said something insulting to them and asks what I am going to do about it. Full grown adults, old enough to be my parents...who don't stop to think that their problems might seem ridiculously trivial when compared to the other immediate challenges facing the organization. I understand that their problems are the biggest in their own mind and I treat each issue with the most possible attention I can pay to it, but carrying the responsibility and weight of other people's worlds is weighing down on me.

I'm not running a hospital or an organization that deals with life or death issues and try to remind myself of that. But it is an organization that people care so deeply about and if things go awry I will be remembered as the scapegoat for years to come as so many Arts Administrators get blamed for the downfall of their organization when it's a more complicated mess of other factors (primarily a constant lack of funding...and those who take the greatest thrill in the scapegoating have not been spending their spare time advocating for more arts operational grants...and not enjoying the results of special projects grants that are so popular and take up hours and hours of time of already over-exhausted under-staffed organizations for an event that only caters to the elite on one evening)...argh. Am I getting too specific? Ha.

When you run an organization you are so open to judgement from community, audience members, volunteers...most of whom wouldn't be able to start to understand the complexities of running a charity, but are sure from the outside in that they could do a better job and aren't afraid to tell you so. Some of them, very smart who run for-profit companies give suggestions that are so out of whack, "couldn't you just save some money and have a season without guest artists...." Some days I'm really proud of what I've accomplished and fought through this year, but other days it feels like the weight on my 30 year old shoulders is too heavy and it would be really easy to move on to another job that I could do in my sleep. It's so tempting.

And then I switch back and think about everything I gave up in Toronto to take this opportunity. A great job, a fantastic house, hilarious intelligent like-minded friends, neighbours, family, live music, food, people who think going to see AC/DC is funny and not the best thing that has ever happened to their city, TIFF parties, my work spouse, great shopping, six months with my husband, dealing with six months of stress and loneliness on my own (it's amazing how many more events you get invited to when you are a couple again...and remembering how slowly last summer went)...it goes on...was it all worth it for this? I better make it so.

I need that holiday now...I could use some sleep...and a green bin, drivers who don't piss me off, some decent sushi...and an evening of champagne with my girls...sigh. I love living here and there is no place like Saskatchewan (I missed it so much for the 7 years I was away) and yet it frustrates me daily.

I take no responsibility for blog posts written before 7am and blame them entirely on my evil alter-ego.